rush

in a rush to go someplace
else
nowhere



not in the mood to lay on the grass
and
ponder



seeking without knowing what is being sought
just
because



hoping not to find what is
already
here

so i can always fly

far
away

my true self

...means there are fakes. the spirit is true and the flesh and brain not me but my machines. if my slaves made of senses are able to manipulate me, then i am at their mercy. dumb to fulfill their wishes. if my self is weak, they are strong. if i am strong, they are weak, serving only as i wish. all religions i know point to this. pity if i am slave to the slaves. giving in to their tendencies.. like candle on fire

land sinking, sea rising

...explains the dreams. sometimes when sleeping, sometimes awake. ancient languages spoken to left ear. some angry, aggressive; some advising. the waters from the sea rise not just slowly, but some suddenly. mothers with their children, crying. no time to bring clothes, or food. escape to the mountain where it is not so safe... is this fate?

land sinking, sea rising

explains the dreams i have. sometimes during sleep, sometimes awake. ancient languages spoken to left ear. some angry, aggressive; some advising. the waters from the sea rise not just slowly, but some suddenly. mothers with their children, crying. no time to bring clothes, or food. escape to the mountain where it is not so safe... is this fate?

Race to Nothing

Amazing how we all try to out-do each other. The smartest, healthiest, bravest... the dirtiest, worst, ugliest... from postive to negative, highest to lowest...

If there are people who know the futility of outdoing each other and refuse to join the race to nothing, one of them would be the Iraya in Puerto Galera. Known to Flipino locals and dayuhan (foreign visitors) as the Mangyans (from the word, Mangyan or Mangmang yan, literal translation to English is he/she is ignorant), the Irayas possess only themselves and their freedom.

How I envy their freedom. The sight of them passing by, walking in a line, together, disposses me of what I hold or boast of as valuable--my education, my job, my accomplishments and other stuff. It brings me to question what full human development is--if it is the pressure to become the best that I can be, I would rather call it a progressive imprisonment of a person born free-- without clothes to label if a boy or a girl, a crib and house to determine if rich or poor, branded baby food that certifies a well-nourished weaning years, an education that structures my brain how to think, and an office job that is an improved version of slavery of centuries ago. And so on.

To be healthy and prolong life--an early death because of illness traced to insufficient faith? Not enough effort in scouring funds for industrial medicines... bullshit. But a good take-off point to question rights as a development paradigm.

dreaming running

frequent dreams lately>>

referring to dream book by Nerys Dee...

running : dream interpretation is face the truth, do not run

fear and accidents: anxiety over what lies ahead

helicopter chase: dream interpretation of helicopter is practical ideals and ambitions

helicopter has giant spotlight pointed at the running self: means something to do with being seen or looked upon by many people

motorcyle chase: dream interpretation of motorcyle is life is speeding up to destiny

stop, face the truth, face ambitions, go with destiny, overcome anxiety as i speed up towards the lights. eliminate fear.

who is the young woman

i will allow myself some self-accolade..

i have been feeling young these days. .. being with a group of women of early to late twenties, i realize how young i still am in attitude and relationship towards life and older feminists, respectively. on our way home from a book launch of an international women's group in a really really posh hotel in the heart of the Metro (Manila), we joked about who qualifies as a young woman, especially because i am nearing forties yet i still identify with younger women. (perhaps a secret to my being young-looking, nyahy!)

who qualifies as a young (feminist) woman?

we came up a list.

for sure, if you approach a senior feminist, stand less than a foot from her and she does not notice you right away as she is busy instructing a young woman like you, you qualify for a young woman/feminist. if you were older, that senior will instantly receive you gladly!

if you were tasked to research for an ENTIRE book (and of course give all your heart to it, skipping night outs and morning jogs with friends) and your boss gets authorship credits by presenting it in a meeting, and you get a footnote credit as assistant, you are a young woman/feminist.

if you speak words of dissent and critical attitude towards current dominant feminist thought and you are dismissed as simply CUTE, or undergoing some trouble in life or a problematic person, you are...

if you are perennially asked to document a meeting, call the waiter or driver, make a phone call, fix and operate the lcd projector or laptop and get blamed if things do not work or expected people did not come, you are...

if you do not have a problem being called a "girl" but "they" see that there is a BIG problem with being called a girl, you are...

the list goes on and goes on and on and on. for so many years, young feminists have been trying to bridge the gap with older feminists. young feminist groups have been established, coming and going.. . young feminists who usually make it to top org posts make it to that level primarily because they thinkold! this is not just me opinionating but lots and lots of young women. lots. lots.. lots.. lots....lost

pinikpikan to KALAYO.. the name game

pinikpikan is now KALAYO. kalayo is hiligaynon word for "fire." we take on a creative fire attitude. but for now, we use pinikpikan-KALAYO, or KALAYO (formerly Pinikpikan).

what's in a name anyway. when we are born we are given name. a name that signifies ownership by someone else. an expected tax payer. a will-be insatiable consumer. a name called to derive obedience, exact submission. a name that marks, situates, locates, identifies... but music is beyond these. what is in a name anyway but a way to own, mark and control.

peace.

happy new year.

ode to my cat T

my cat, famous in the eyes of my mother because she used to catch snakes up to 4 feet long. she died weeks ago, of an illness we were not able to determine, because she refused to be cuddled since her weird coughs began.

she was also talented in catching mice, and ate the clean-smelling ones. she always gave birth to healthy kittens. she was not into the habit of stealing food on the kitchen table. we did not have problems with claws, she was always gentle. she always cleaned herself.

i love my cat. now in cat heaven. i miss her so much.

wowoweeee

after years of hating this game, i found myself having fun yesterday as i watched lolas and lolos sing and dance in the ritualistic special number before contestants play the Q and A game with the host.

what makes this show a hit is not willie or the bikini girls who all make being beautiful and naive-looking desirable. it is the contestants whose transparent humanness shines through the boob tube to reach people who are all equally neck-deep in everyday concerns in life, especially the poor (katulad ko wala datung).

for every special number, the contestants get P5000. i wish the show could give much more. distribute more of its advertising collections to contestants who transform life's big problems into little, tolerable and learning experiences that everyone on this earth has to go through.

end dead ends

ecclesiastical saying... King Solomon, a person who lived almost everything to find wisdom, concluded that everything is futile, a chasing after the wind.

have chased after some things only to find out later you are being chased?

have searched for some things only to find out they never existed?

have cried about a lot of things only to find out later that you should have laughed instead?

have discovered things that found you?

have hidden things that many people wanted to flaunt but do not have?

have passed through many years of life without knowing when, where, why, how...?

seen many years ahead but face a dead end?

a musician is praised for what is created, but despised for what others cannot create.

an artist is needed, but discarded for the impossibility to be owned.

work all life, and bring nothing to the next.

life is not always futile, but a dead end without end. so cross over the wall before the soulflower of life withers.

what our history teachers forgot to teach us...

i have been assisting in a research on the philippine- american war by looking at the Philippine revolutionary records/insurrection records (PRR or PIR) at the national library (kalaw, manila). i've been also looking at rare serials between 1899 to 1913.

the first day i read through first few documents on microfilm, i felt different. a melodramatic feeling inside, my heart. i was with my American friend who was the one doing the research... (if it wasn't for her, i would not have encountered these documents!) i never realized how much i do not about this country that i was born in.

habang binabasa ko ang mga sulat sa isa't isa ng mga rebolusyonaryo noon, para akong naiiyak na hindi. i can't describe the feeling. the letters showed how each one cared for the other. how corruption and wrongdoings were taken seriously. women berated drunken revolutionary men, and often risked their lives to bring food to their relatives. the words of those who wrote were always full of love and concern. there was a strong valuing of transparency, of dialogue. . . there was a strong feeling of being one, for a nation-in-the-making.

if i had read, had the chance to read through these documents when i was in elementary or highschool, perhaps i would have become a better citizen than i am today. if most of us were taught the value of really knowing and reading our past, aside from what history books offer, perhaps this country would have better citizens. less divided, with less strife. more openness, more love. deeper connection with our historical past.

the Lord is my sheperd

i shall not want
He maketh to lie down on green pastures
He leadeth me beside still waters
He restoreth my soul
He guides me in the path of righteousness for His namesake
yea though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death
i will fear no evil
for Thou art with me
Thy rod and Thy staff
they comfort me

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my head with oil
my cup runneth over
surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord
Forever

Psalm 23>>>>first full bible passage i memorized, when i was in Kindergarten school at the Temple Bible School along Tandang Sora Avenue, Quezon City. the school was founded by American Christian missionaries. we learned children's gospel songs, both Tagalog and English. happy days were those... i had a very strict teacher who took teaching to heart, and had lots of cheap chichirya in my bag. our school bus was a yellow old style school bus. my classmates were of different types--bullies, smart asses, shy-types, etc. we loved to sit at the back end. we laughed whenever our bags and notepads and pens flew as the bus passes over a bumpy spot on the road. hay, sarap maging bata. i had a fun-filled childhood even though my family was poor...

Marshall McLuhan--- especially when i suffer info overload and have no idea at all

Remembering McLuhan, famous communication theorist. More known for his --THE MEDIUM IS THE MESSAGE--legacy to information age prisoners like myself.

Some McLuhanisms (from a website dedicate to him: www.marshallmcluhan.com; also, visit http://www.mcluhan.ca/)

• The story of modern America begins With the discovery of the white man by The Indians. -True di ba?
• Whereas convictions depend on speed-ups, justice requires delay. --Kaya wag na magtaka bakit tambak kaso mga korte natin.
• Invention is the mother of necessities. --cellphone at internet addicts, ang dami natin!
• Mud sometimes gives the illusion of depth. --Maraming titser at estudyanteng ganito. hehe.
• The road is our major architectural form. --just like our roads in this country.
• Today each of us lives several hundred years in a decade. --kaya relak lang dapat.
  
• When you are on the phone or on the air, you have no body.--i love this one. physicality+ presence+space=realness
• All advertising advertises advertising.-- ... pera-pera lang yan.
  
• This information is top security. When you have read it, destroy yourself. ---katakut but true
  
• One of the nicest things about being big is the luxury of thinking little. --swak! tamaan magalit na.
• Politics offers yesterday’s answers to today’s questions. --agree, grabe.
  
• Food for the mind is like food for the body: the inputs are never the same as the outputs.--aruy!
• At the speed of light, policies and political parties yield place to charismatic images.-- kaya puro pa-kyut na lang mga pulitiko. billboard kabi-kabila. anu ba yan??!!
  

—Copyright © 1986, McLuhan Associates, Ltd.

ey joey

8 year-old cat Joey Burito or Joey Girly... she scratches.. most of my white scars her doing.
but i love her. she is a "pusakal" or pusang kalye (street cat). thrown away by irresponsible owners, my sister took pity and asked me to wean her. a very young kitten has to be held close to your heart, so she can hear your heartbeat. your heartbeat guides her heartbeat. the heat from your body keeps her warm.

kabiyak online.
Ogayam.
sapay koma kan Apo Cabonian
chug-an yaton biag nu.
fumilfilog ka, nakaladkad
agasan na sakit long-ag nu
sika agay asawak
sika agay lakay ko
pay-ok sika onay-onayan
achika machanagan
awachak sito.

sapay koma kan Apo Dios
achi taku vay-vay-an.

when life is a mess: back to basics, back to roots

the Bible. i started reading it again. a rich treasure of simple facts and advice from our Maker. Free will. Babylon. Lamp. Path. Salt. Grace. Salvation.
Salvation not just from hell after life. But life on earth as well.
While philosophers problematize life, the Bible has already given a prescription for life on earth. A remedy, solution, a path. Read with a seeking mind, and the Spirit might just make us understand. yup, the Spirit, not the preachers on tv either asking for your bucks or out-reasoning each other on who among them is God's chosen messenger.

showbiz pookies

what else can kill a soul but the existence to be nothing else but a cookie in a jar.
and it kills me to unwillingly witness showbiz dudes and dudettes perform their designated pretentious eye twinkle, drawn manicured smiles. agh!

living to please, what else can kill creativity?
like a Barbie doll, originally made to tickle the lonely soldiers at war. smooth manufactured skin. hollow being.

one can be both an eye-catching beauty and a creative spirit--- bjork, sinead, sade, zap mama, sheila chandra, etc.

fame and fortune vs. soul and being? fake copies vs. raw creativity?
some have it all. but i will have no respect left for someone who simply fakes her/his act.
cherry gil: "you are nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copy cat!" --from the lips of a contravida, but most often words of truth.

mabuhay mga lahi ni bella flores.

credits for the UAAP opening

1. here... found the credits for the show

71st UAAP OPENING CEREMONY

Start:	Jul 5, '08 1:00p
Location:	Araneta Coliseum

UP Diliman hosted the 71st UAAP OPENING CEREMONY last July 5 at the Araneta Coliseum. The show featured performers from the UP Filipiniana, UP PEP Squad, UP Dance Company , UP Dancesport and the UP StreetDance. It was aired over ABS-CBN (yez, nationwide itish).

Artistic Director: Dexter M. Santos
Head Choreographer: Van Manalo
Choreographers: Lalaine Perena, Jerome Dimalanta, Jojo Carino
Production Designer: Tuxqs Rutaquio
Lighting Designer: John Neil Ilao Batalla
Music Design: Carol Bello
Scriptwriter: Sir Anril Tiatco
Technical Director: Voltaire de Jesus
Production Manager: Theresa Gonzalez

To add...
The live musicians, aside from myself, were:
Irish Pangilinan (my music design assistant, keyboards)
Diwa de Leon (Makiling Ensemble, hegalong)
Paul Zialcita (Pinikpikan, kali drum and mineral water bottle plus varied shakers)
Budeths Casinto (Pinikpikan, derbouka)
Raymond Panganiban (bass guitar)
Govinda (Kadangyan, djembe)
Frances Escape (Philippine-made derbouka)
Divine Leano (guitar)

Except for the "super rush and sleepless nights mode" of this project, since I came in as music scorer/designer two weeks only before the show, it was a pretty good experience. For the recorded music that accompanied live musicians, I was able to combine the kulittong (bamboo zither) with the agong and the paldong (bamboo flute) with the balimbing (i forgot what the great ethnomusicologist dr. Jose Maceda calls this in English, everyone interested in Filipino indigenous music should read his books. siya ang tunay na super lolo ng Pilipinong musika). The tungatong (bamboo poles), however, was not explored so much due to time constraints.

I was also elated that former U.P. president Dr. Jose Abueva's granddaughter (so royalty mode tayo ngayon), Julia Abueva gave a heart-warming rendition to my composition for the young athletes. The real title was Awit ni Lourdes (Song of Lourdes> name of my mother), but for the show, it was made into Awit para sa Kabataang Atleta (song for the young athlete).

Dinugo talaga ako sa rush na ito pero okay naman talaga sa karanasan.

potions, voice and healing

still some thoughts from the rainforest world music festival...
sarawak, known as the land of head hunters...
similar to what happened in the Cordillera, head hunting as a culture and way of life ceased when the christian missionaries came in. head hunting was replaced by the prevailing military and legal system , which in my view is just a more bureaucratic form of headhunting. i would not say that peace was the agenda for the end of head hunting. perhaps, this is one reason why civilization as we know it, is failing to "save" this world from man-made destructive activities.

back to my friend, the man is in his traditional wear, in a traditional hut, inside the sarawak cultural village that brings together displays of sarawak's rich and diverse culture. he was selling a powder antidote for snake bite and twigs that emit aroma that drives away evil spirits. just sad that i was not able to find him in his spot the next day to buy some of his stuff.


healing....
in the Voice of our People workshop, one from the audience asked if our songs and voices (indian, filipino, caribbean, portuguese) had something to do with healing... that was a thoughtful question.
all of us agreed and said yes, but more for the soul than medicinal or physical healing (we are not online sound healers who do marketing by the dollars, and we profess not to be tribal shamans who work wonders).

i also answered yes, it can be for the soul and the body... but strange that the dominant thought in me then at that time was that voice can be both for healing and destruction, in the same way that your parents can comfort you and scold or scar you depending on the words, timbre, pitch and overall "feel" of what comes out of their throats.

and sometimes, we have to be "destroyed" to heal within. death and resurrection of the self not only in the framework of christian salvation, but of improving one's self after a mistake or a defeat or shaming event in life. to scar and stumble, and get up again. on this note, healing and harm are not opposites that do not meet.

one singer said that to heal, you must first be able to heal yourself. that is true with him. but in my reality, i am sure we can still help others heal still even if the self is wounded, we can build even if depleted. we can always try, even if there is no glimmer of hope. i do sing and read the bible to my sick husband and so far, he is still alive even doctors are amazed. but of course, the doctors and nurses also do a lot of physical healing to my husband. and my husband does the greatest healing to himself. he is a happy and content human.

and if perfection is a pre-requisite to helping others, no one among us can ever qualify. much like if inner peace is a pre-requisite for world peace, we can consume all the time in the universe and still very few of us could claim to be perfect images of peace.

willingness, not perfection, is my preferred prerequisite to healing and peacemaking.